Toys' Law
by kirstyvega
Summary: A three-shot that starts with a little Christmas cheer at the Black household: kids, toys, chaos and family. Updated to include an Embry-related sequel in the same universe. The last part is a Jake & Bells prequel to the previous 2 parts.
1. Toys' Law

**Toys' Law**

Robbie has a talking donkey. More precisely, it's a singing Christmas donkey that his uncles Quil and Embry found in a five-and-dime store in Port Angeles.

They stop by for some of Bella's mulled cider one gloomy December evening in the tow truck after a callout. Robbie is soon far more fascinated by Bethly Hemm the singing donkey than he is by the tow truck, his previous favourite toy.

After three straight hours of tinny, computerised Christmas songs, Jake wants to murder Quil and Embry. More so than usual. He even contemplates returning to phasing just to kick their furry asses.

Ruby, Bella's black and tan Kelpie given to her by Jake when they were first married, hides under the bed. High pitched noises don't agree with her ears.

Rachel and Paul laugh mercilessly the next time they visit Jake and Bella's house. Quil and Embry sprung the same damned donkey on them but Rachel was quick enough to rip its batteries out. Their daughter Sarah-Beth thinks the donkey's no better or worse than any other stuffed toy.

Bella groans and says she wishes she'd been fast enough to intercept the gift but she'd been busy washing gingerbread-scented and -textured vomit off two-year-old Lailey. (Apparently an entire gingerbread house doesn't fit in a toddler's stomach very well.)

Jake fumes, "Fucking Quil and Embry. Technically we're not even Christian anyway. What right have they to brain wash my son into thinking Christmas is a part of our culture?"

Bella looks at him arching one eyebrow sharply. Ever since he took a place on the council, Jake's been keen on preserving the tribe's heritage, especially among its younger members. But that being said, Bella doesn't remember a single Christmas where Jake has complained about roast turkey, cranberry sauce, baked sweet potatoes or her special fruitcake and brandy butter. He also didn't complain the year she dressed up in a red velvet Mrs. Claus teddy and surprised him under the tree on Christmas Eve.

Perhaps Jake realises what Bella's thinking because he stops mid-rant and asks Paul what he thinks about the Seahawks chance in the Super Bowl.

Rachel winks at Bella. After all, Rachel was the one who found the Mrs. Claus costumes. Paul accidentally shredded hers in his excitement.

XXXX

Christmas Day is chaotic.

Thankfully Robbie gives up on Bethly Hemm. He finds his new Lego robot to be of superior entertainment value. Boys who are nearly five don't play with donkeys.

Lailey, however, decides she likes Bethly Hemm nearly as much as gingerbread. She screams if the donkey isn't within arm's reach. Bella thinks the screams were preferable to endless, tuneless carols. Then she gets a headache and relents.

Three generations of Blacks, Clearwaters and Swans convene at Jake and Bella's long, handmade pine table for Christmas dinner. They are serenaded throughout the meal by the mechanical strains of Little Drummer Boy, Away in a Manger and, Jake's personal favourite, Frosty the Snowman.

Despite double helpings of everything, Jake is not a jolly, happy soul.

"Can't we drown that bloody thing in the punch bowl or something?" he mutters darkly.

Ruby comes out from under the bed. The temptation to catch food dropped by Robbie, Lailey and Sarah-Beth overrides any desire to protect her sensitive ears.

Billy glances up from his sugar-free desert to catch Charlie's eye at the opposite end of the long table. (No one is quite sure how Bella makes fruit cake without sugar but Billy shyly asks every November if she's started the 'diabetic's delight' yet. Originally she made him a single serve sized cake, unsure how it'd go down. Now it's nearly as large as the family's main cake. Jake is convinced Billy cheerfully eats fruitcake for breakfast all through January.)

Charlie smiles knowing Billy's up to something. You don't know someone for over forty years without recognising when they get _that_ glint in their eye.

Sue looks over from helping Robbie extract a bit of Lego from the brandy butter. She too knows Billy well enough to deduce that he's plotting something.

Billy clears his throat and there is instant silence.

Charlie's always wondered how Billy does that and thinks Billy would have made an excellent big city police commissioner. If he can shut the squabbling Black family rabble up this easily, he'd have commanded press conferences like there was no tomorrow.

There is instant silence except_ There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found..._ Even Billy's presence can't stem the tide that is Bethly Hemm, the energiser donkey.

"Jake, son, have you heard of toys' law?" Billy asks.

"No dad," Jake grunts out around a mouthful.

Billy explains, "It's a variant on Murphy's Law that says the annoyingness of a toy is inversely proportional to the amount of time that the giver has to spend with the recipient."

"What's a wee-siprocant?" asks Robbie.

"Someone who gets something," whispers Bella to her son.

"Oh," says Jake in a flat-voiced response to his father's comment. "Still doesn't help us shut that damnable dumb donkey up."

Billy smiles. "I learned about toys' law the year Charlie gave you a lightsaber for your birthday."

Charlie frowns, not liking the implications that he may have failed at gift giving and broken a law, albeit one he didn't know existed. Sure, he had never known what to give Bella when she was growing up. For starters, she'd been a _girl_. And then there was the fact that she lived all the way down in Arizona. But Jake had been a boy – much easier – and a happy, easy-going one at that. Surely a lightsaber had been a manly sort of sword-like object suitable for a boy? (Secretly Charlie wishes they'd hurry up and invent the real thing so he could use one at work.)

Jake finally grins and Bella relaxes now. "Best present ever Charlie. I loved that thing to bits, wonder what ever happened to it?"

Billy's smile twists around his spoon. He swallows and says "I think it's still in the attic where all your old toys got stashed when you outgrew them."

By the look on his father's face Jake knows there's more to the story, "And?" he prompts.

Billy looks smug. "I might have dismantled it one night when you left it out in the back yard. Taken the sound effects chip and the flashing lights out of it."

Jake chuckles and eats a chunk of cake from Lailey's high chair that missed her mouth. "I do remember it stopped working, but you," he points a cakey finger at Billy that Lailey tries to grab, "You, old man, told me the dew must have got into it because I left it outside. Now I know the truth.

"Your grandpa is a sneaky, mean old man," Jake tells Lailey, poking her in the tummy. She giggles and pokes the donkey in the tummy. _Away in a manger, no crib for his head..._ fills the dining room.

"Still wish I could chuck that thing away in a trash can," Jake grumbles.

Sarah-Beth has been unusually quite which means she's lost in thought. She breaks her silence with, "How big is the sky, Momma?"

Rachel looks at Paul. Paul looks at the last of the mashed potatoes and smirks. He's not going to help this time.

"Big enough to hold the sun, all of the stars and the moon, sweetie." Rachel feels proud of her answer.

"But how come Santa's reindeer don't get lost in the sky then?" her daughter persists.

Paul emerges from potato heaven (he really has to get Bella to teach Rachel how to cook properly) to field this one. "Rudolph's got a GPS in his nose."

Sarah-Beth's eyes pop, "Like Auntie Bec's car?"

"Exactly," Paul confirms.

Rachel sighs. Jake winks at Paul and Bethly Hemm serenades them with a few _Rumpa-pum-pums_. Jake looks murderous again.

"Consider yourself lucky, son" Billy tells Jake. "The lightsaber had sound AND lights. Double whammy. Quil and Embry aren't quite up to Charlie's level of infraction against toys' law."

"Don't tell them that," Jake begs.

Paul just snickers and wishes there were more potatoes. Desert's looking good though.

"Not to worry son," Billy placates as he eyes the dish in front of Bella as if to ask for another piece of his special fruitcake. She acquiesces, giving him a second helping. "I've already got Quil and Embry back for you Jake," Billy says as he pats Bella's hand lovingly.

Jake finishes mopping Bella's plate with a spare piece of bread and asks his father, "How?"

"Told them you and Bella were finally going to use that gift certificate to the lodge in Port Angeles over New Years and they could babysit while you were gone," Billy replies slowly and simply.

He has deadpan down to a fine, fine art.

Then the entire table roars with laughter. Ruby woofs. Lailey waves Bethly Hemm in the air and he proclaims something about the little drummer boy. When the laughing dies down, Jake looks at his son and says, "Your grandfather is a brilliant, wise old man. Did you know that?"

"Is that cuz he's a wee-siprocant? What does he get?" asks Robbie.

"He gets the fact that Bethly Hemm combined with a New Years Day hangover is going to make your uncles Quil and Embry suffer," Jake answers cheerfully.

Charlie realises he loves his son-in-law so much because Jake is so similar to Billy.

Ruby licks Lailey's fruitcake-covered foot. Lailey squeals and wishes there was more gingerbread, it's so much better than fruitcake.

Bella allows herself a small smile but is not keen on leaving her children at the tender mercy of Jake's two best friends.

Sue sees this and tells Bella not to worry. She'll be in charge. The boys are coming to her place to celebrate with Seth while he's home from college.

Rachel adds, "I'll send you the batteries I took out of Sarah-Beth's donkey. We wouldn't want Bethly Hemm going flat on his big day, would we? I'll give you some ear plugs too, Sue. I've got plenty for when Paul cranks up the Whitesnake and Springsteen."

"You'll be an ear pug wee-siprocant, Nana Sue," Robbie declares, sticking four pieces of Lego on her plate.

Bella reaches under the table and squeezes Jake's hand. He suddenly smiles _her_ smile. It's a smile that out-shines the Christmas tree and Sarah-Beth's glowing reindeer antler headband.

"Christmas isn't just about toys," Jake states half solemnly. Bella expects him to continue by saying 'it's about food', but when he resumes, he surprises her, reminds her why she married him.

"It's about love. I love all you guys so much," Jake pauses then adds, "Even you Bethly Hemm. And I'll love you, darling little donkey, twice as much on New Year's Day all the way from Port Angeles!"

_A/N - Wrote this a couple of months ago and have been saving and saving it in honour of Christmas in July here in the southern hemisphere! That's been quite a challenge because I'm not great at keeping anything under wraps, but here it is and happy July 25th everyone :)_


	2. Sequel: Toys' Law II

**Toys' Law II**

Leaving Leah telling a bedtime story involving dragons, porcupines, a gunmetal grey robot named Clarence and a pack of rabid squirrels, Bella rushes to answer a knock at the door. She knows it's one of the pack members because Ruby isn't barking: she's wagging her tail expectantly.

Bella pulls the door in to find Embry swaying on the other side of it. Checking him once over for injury, Bella sees he's fine. Not checking him for anything, Ruby leaps against Embry's thighs in ecstatic greeting.

"Hello Roo," he slurs.

It's then that Bella sees the empty Jack Daniels bottle rolling between his feet and another on the porch steps behind him.

This is serious, she thinks. Definitely worse than an injury or a vampire, because they all know exactly how to deal with that kind of calamity. There are no instruction manuals for emotional upset though and Bella's afraid this might even be on par with Quil's unfathomably misery years ago when his then-crush Claire had dated the Weber kid from town.

"Come on Embry," Bella sighs as she moves to let him in the house. Is there never any peace around here, she wonders internally. Embry stops playing with the dog's ears and moves to cross the doorstep, trips and half falls on Bella.

"Whoops," he giggles like a girl and then the giggle becomes more of a shuddering sob. "Treasa's pregnant." And with that statement he stumbles off Bella and into her living room where he collapses on the couch.

Bella's not sure what to do. Of Jake's two closest friends she finds Embry a little harder to fathom than Quil, who's a genial, overgrown child full of laughter and ridiculousness. (Except, of course, during those few months of Claire-induced agony. Lucky for everyone in La Push who'd gotten sick Quil's lovesick lamenting, the Weber kid decided college was a better idea than a girlfriend. Lucky for Quil, he'd stepped in patched up Claire's broken heart.)

But Embry's not Quil. Dear, dear Embry is usually just as full of mirth as Quil yet there is an omnipresent undercurrent of reticence. Bella knows it's to do with his family and she also knows his girlfriend Treasa has soothed a lot of this uncertainty out of him in the past few years.

From the couch there's a snuffle and a moan. Bella jumps into action and grabs a roll of paper towel, a jug of water and a glass, some muffins and a bucket from the kitchen. She's aware Embry won't be drunk for long but she's not sure if too much alcohol has the same effect on a wolf stomach as a human one.

Sitting next to Embry on the sliver of couch not taken up by his lanky, prostrate form, she pats the nearest available bit of him and offers him a drink and a chunk of paper towel to blow his nose. Boys, she decides, are all the same whether they're five or twenty five: they don't cry neatly like girls do.

Honking loudly, Embry mumbles something about the paper towel smelling of lint. He sits up, drains the water, eyes a muffin suspiciously and starts picking at the edge of it.

Definitely serious, Bella concludes: she's never seen him not inhale his food.

"If your tummy's upset we can save the muffins for later," she suggests mildly, fearing wolf spew. He doesn't answer. She rubs his back in soothing circles and tries again, "You want to tell me about Treasa?" she asks looking at Embry questioningly.

"It _is_ my damned baby, you know," Embry snaps at her. Bella withdraws her hand and reaches for a muffin. She's not hungry after eating the kids' leftovers from dinner but peeling the paper away from the sticky cake gives her something to do with her fingers.

A voice from the hallway says "You'd better hope I never tell Jake you spoke to his wife like that."

Leah.

Bella glances up at her. Even after years of Leah's presence, Bella is still never entirely sure when Leah is serious and when she's joking – it actually took Bella several of those years to realise Leah could joke.

Leah directs her next comment at Bella, "Kids are asleep. I left them with Clarence guarding their fort against the squirrels." She crosses the room to sit in Jake's recliner. Only she and Bella are ever granted that privilege; Charlie just eyes the chair longingly every time he visits. Bella hands Leah the unwanted, peeled muffin.

Embry blinks, momentarily roused from his misery, "I know I'm drunk but who's Clarence and where are the squirrels?" He glances around as if expecting the fireplace to begin discharging small, chattering rodents. Bella thinks it might be more peaceful around the house if that _did_ happen.

Drawing on her inner Leah, a surprising part of her personality she's learned to channel, Bella ignores Embry's question and responds to his previous comment in a sharp voice, "I never said it wasn't your baby."

Across the room Bella senses Leah stiffening, the remaining half of the muffin frozen in mid air on its way to her mouth. Parentage issues might be Embry's brand of baggage but babies are Leah's curse to bear. Or rather, not to bear. It's the reason she spends most of her free time at Jake and Bella's and keeps nagging Seth to finish his engineering degree and marry some smart college cookie so she can babysit their smart babies.

Looking up, Embry meets Bella's eyes squarely for the first time. He's squinting less, meaning the Jack is already burning off.

Bella is pleased there won't be any wolf spew.

"You didn't have to say anything Bella, I can read you like a book. I know you meant no harm though. I'm sorry." Embry stuffs the rest of his muffin in his face and snarfles out something that sounds like "gud murfuns tho, fanks."

Bella regretfully remembers once again that because Jake can see straight through her and out the other side, the entire pack can too. It doesn't matter that Jake hasn't phased since Robbie was born – the La Push wolves rival elephants for good memories.

She thinks maybe she should take up those acting lessons Leah's always carrying on about. Although she can't imagine Leah playing anything other than a femme fatal, Bella thinks learning a poker face could be useful because Embry _was _right. Her first thought when he'd said Treasa was pregnant had indeed been '_With your baby?_' Not that Bella has any reason to suspect Treasa of misadventure, just that it'd destroy Embry if the love of his life made that kind of mistake.

Apparently Embry is still destroyed even though the love of his life is having _his_ child.

Ruby wanders over and licks Embry's crumbs from the floor before resting her head on his knee. Stroking her neat black head with its expressive little brown eyebrows, Embry looks near to tears again.

Leah cuts in with typical tact, "Pull yourself together man, shouldn't we be celebrating? Another little pup for the pack and all that." She glances at Bella, "Maybe now you won't have to have that little brother Lailey's been asking for. She can make do with Treasa and Embry's kid."

Bella says nothing. Ruby's been following her around the house nonstop for the past three weeks. Experience tells her Ruby's never wrong.

At the sound of 'Embry's kid', Embry shudders violently. It's not an about-to-phase shudder. It's a revulsion shudder.

Bella can't help herself and resumes rubbing his back like he's one of her own two babies. "It'll be fine Embry, you're great with Robbie and Lailey, they adore you," she coos. She's too diplomatic to mention last New Year's Day when Embry and Quil's version of babysitting involved feeding the kids most of the candy canes in Forks to keep them quiet. "Sam's boys worship the ground you walk on too."

But neither Leah's brusque statement nor Bella's comforting maternal instincts make any difference. Embry's lost inside himself. He works at finding a way to explain to these two women just what is wrong with another bringing another Quileute baby into the world. He tries the usual: it's a shock you know, Treasa's moods, her parents will hate me, we don't have the money, hadn't planned on this.

No matter what he stutters out, they both look back at him blankly.

Of course they don't get it. One of them would look after any kind of baby, (Embry wonders if that's what the reference to squirrels is about. Is Bella fostering forest critters again?) the other would do anything to have a baby.

And then he snaps. Uncoiling from his hunched position he shouts, "I don't have a fucking dad, how the hell can I be anyone's dad?"

There. It's out there now. He's terrified of not knowing what to do, not knowing how to behave, not knowing who half of himself is. Worst of all is his terror at failing so badly that his child might wish not to know him, might wish he too had just buggered off and left.

Ruby slinks away from Embry to hover near Bella's end of the sofa.

Leah barks out a dry laugh, "You're the biggest damned pussy I know Call! Hell, you can't fail as badly as your father did, whoever the hell he is. Just sticking around your kid is a step up from his actions, regardless of whether or not you're a good dad."

"But that's just it," Embry's mumbles as his anger collapses, "Maybe he was there, maybe he did stick around, only I don't know who he is to know where he was."

Bella is strangely quiet. Ruby nudges her foot. Getting no response, Ruby lies down with one patient eye trained on the front door.

Now the gates are open, Embry's tirade of self-inflicted misery continues. "I've told Treasa she can do whatever she wants, I'll pay child support, I'll help her out, she can have the house and everything in it."

"What'd she say to that?" Leah demands.

"Said I was an idiot. That's when she kicked me out. Dunno where I'm gonna stay now..." Embry trails off and directs a pleading look at Bella. "Maybe I'll just go wolf for a while." He's being pathetic now and he knows it too but doesn't care.

It's Bella's turn to snap. She doesn't snap very often but she always does it best when she's standing up. As she rises, Leah settles further into Jake's recliner, knowing they're in for a good show.

"For fuck's sake Embry, pull your goddamned head out. You've got men all around you who are great fathers. Billy and Harry half raised you along with their own damned kids. Sam, Jake, Jared and Paul are the best fucking fathers I know," Bella feels a little guilty for not including Charlie in her list, but he's different.

Storming on, she grabs the paper towel roll and brandishes it at Embry, yelling a little louder. "Jake and I had no bloody idea what we were doing when Robbie came along. Billy and Charlie were better at changing fucking diapers than we were, but we managed. Sometimes Jake was so shit tired he couldn't keep his eyes open and I was afraid to tell him Lailey was on the way but he dealt with it. Now I'm faced with telling him there's going to be another one and I know he'll be..."

"He'll be what?" A voice from the door asks.

Bella twirls around to see that her husband is home from a council meeting and is standing framed in the entranceway with a cheerful, expectant look on his face. Ruby runs and hides behind him, clearly upset by Bella's outburst.

"Happy?" Bella asks a little breathlessly, as she drops the paper towels and sinks back into the couch.

With one hand Embry instinctively catches the roll of paper towel before it hits the water jug. With the other, he steadies Bella back down beside him. She's a flushed, pink colour and panting a little.

For the first time that night Embry smiles. He looks at Bella and asks kindly, "Crazy pregnant lady hormones?"

'No," she snarls, "Pissed off at my dumb-ass, self-absorbed, mopey, pessimistic, loser of a friend hormones."

Jake is suddenly beside Bella. He shoves Embry off the couch, picks her up and nuzzles her hair. "No, not happy," he says, "Ecstatic. Three is an excellent number of kids."

He would know.

Leah shoves out of Jake's chair, "Pass me that barf bucket would you Embry? These two love birds are making me ill." That's as close as she'll come to saying congratulations.

Embry's shuffling from one foot to the other, patting the dog and wondering where Bella learned to swear like that. Probably from the pack boys, he concludes. Embry decides that if Treasa has a little girl she'll never be allowed near the pack boys. Then he remembers he's not allowed near Treasa.

At least he thinks that's what she said; Jack's making that part of the evening's events a little hazy.

Jake turns, Bella under one arm. He thumps Embry on the back, "Congrats, man. You'll be fine. But go call your woman and apologise. For the next nine months, it doesn't matter what it is, you did it and you're sorry about it. Remember that."

Embry stands up a little squarer. Bella and Leah both know he's still full of doubts but his fears aren't eating him alive anymore.

He will manage. He will be ok as a father. After all, everyone agrees he's the sweet one of the Three Musketeers. (Quil's the joker. Jake's the lover.)

Leah slinks off to check that the kids have slept though their mother's squawking. Robbie opens one eye and says something that sounds like 'porcupine'. "Clarence is on to it," Leah assures him. Lailey's cuddling the rubber squeaky-toy gingerbread house she stole from Ruby.

Returning to the living room, Leah sees that Embry is leaving. There is a little something in his step that could almost be called bounce.

"One more thing Call," Jake says with a definite laugh in his voice, "I've already got your kid's first Christmas present from me and Bella."

Embry is confused but has too much to think about to bother asking for an explanation. He just hopes the present is not a squirrel. Giving Jake a shady look and Bella a last hug with a whispered 'thanks', he picks up his empty Jack bottles from the porch and leaves.

"What are you talking about Christmas presents for, Jake? It's March." Bella asks her husband. She sees an evil twinkle in his eye and wonders if he knows how much he looks like a young Billy.

Jake yawns, pats Ruby and causally says, "Remember Bethly Hemm? After Lailey grew out of him I saved him for precisely this moment. To give to Quil or Embry's kids so they can be tortured like I was."

Bella laughs so hard she cries more messily than Embry did.

Leah smirks and on her walk home she reflects that it might be Jake, not Quil who is the joker.

After Embry and Leah leave, Jake and Bella's house really is quite peaceful – until the kids wake up at six the next morning.

XXXX

Embry names his son Jack Samuel William Harry Call.

Treasa says she's naming their next child so it'll be less of a mouthful.

A month after Jack is born, Bella has twins.

Now that Bella's had the babies Ruby decides she doesn't need guarding quite so closely. Lailey has abandoned the rubber gingerbread house in favour of eating another real one over Christmas so Ruby steals the toy back and lies in a corner gently gnawing it.

Robbie pokes his baby sister Emmylou with a long piece of Lego. Getting no response he decides robots are cooler than babies.

Lailey snuggles her baby brother Stirling and decides he smells even better than gingerbread.

Jake says he's rarely wrong, but four is a much more excellent number of kids than three.

Leah smiles one of her rare, hundred watt smiles. She now has three new babies to teach how to swear.

_A/N – Randomly wrote this sequel to the Christmas-themed Toys' Law a while ago because I loved the characters and the little universe they inhabit so much. Been waiting for the 'right' time to post it and, for some reason, now seems good.  
>The kid's names: dunno where Robbie came from, possible a corruption of my first crush Bobby, a gorgeous boy in my year 2 class! Lailey is a one of the few other Canadians at my work. Not that I know her very well but she's tall, elegant and uber cool – all the things I wish I was! I guess she's Leah's name sake. Emmylou is after Emmylou Harris, one of my favourite singers. And Stirling: well, I love the name and Stirling Moss was one of the best race car drivers ever. He was even cute in a balding British sort of way when he was younger – I think he's over 80 now! So there you have it. Oh, and I think you can figure out where Embry got his names from!<em>


	3. Prequel: Toys' Law III

**Toys' Law III**

_A/N: Here's the last part - that is actually the first part! I posted this in the order I wrote it so you might want to go back and read the first and second parts before this again as a quick refresher :)_

* * *

><p>"Jake," Bella whines. "I told you not to get me anything."<p>

Jake just laughs. He laughs a lot these days.

"I can't un-get it now," he says smugly and walks off, effectively terminating the discussion.

Bella hates it when he does this – both the walking away and the gift buying.

She knows she's being childish but she also knows she really doesn't want wedding presents. Especially from the man she's marrying. Truth be told, Bella really doesn't want a wedding. It's not that she's at all adverse to the idea of marrying Jake. Rather, it's the pomp and ceremony of the whole occasion that rubs her the wrong way.

Three hours later on the drive back from the airport with her mother in the car, Bella's fears that an Elvis chapel would have been a much better idea than a wedding are reconfirmed.

"I can't wait to see you in white, all lacy and pretty," Renee gushes sentimentally.

"Mmm," says Bella, pretending to be totally engrossed in passing a logging truck.

Being clever crosses Bella's mind but she decides to keep the peace and does not point out Renee has, technically, seen her in white plenty of times. (Now is a prime example: Bella's wearing a white t-shirt courtesy of Forks Diner that Charlie won in last month's door prize raffle.) Nor does Bella have the heart to point out that her wedding dress contains zero lace. Renee will see for herself soon enough.

"Are you excited about your wedding night?" Renee continues to drill Bella. "Got some lacy undies to wear for Jake?"

Bella knows if she doesn't stop this now Renee will hit what Bella thinks of as Full Steam soon. And Renee in Full Steam questioning mode is like a horny terrier: rapid, bouncy, yapping and unstoppable. Definitely something to be avoided at all costs. Bella therefore enters operation Shutdown Terrier.

"What's with you and the lace, mom?"

"It's pretty and it's feminine and it's – "

"Not me." Bella finishes emphatically for her mother.

"Oh."

How Renee does not know this detail about her daughter is not something Bella wants to dwell on. Renee and details aren't a good mix.

But Renee is not easily deterred. "Satin's nice too. It's so soft against your skin. Less itchy than lacy, if that's what bothers you, especially if you've just had a wa – "

"Seriously mom. Do we have to talk about this? No wax. No lace." No wedding, Bella wants to add to that list.

Renee sighs, "Just trying to help Bella. Men like it when you make an effort. Jake'd be no different."

Bella momentarily softens towards her mother at the mention of Jake. Then she thinks of her mother (the terrier) and draws a line in the sand that Renee is not allowed to cross.

"Whether or not Jake and I make any efforts for each other is strictly our business, mom," Bella states prudishly.

Renee does not see the sand, much less the line.

"But Bella," Renee is the one whining now, "Your version of an effort is pyjamas that don't have holes in them!"

Bella fears she is beginning to actually hear a terrier's yap echoing in her head. Why had she let Charlie, of all people, talk her out of that nice Vegas wedding she'd always wanted? Elvis would have been a damned fine minister.

Bella gives her mother a long, severe look. Time for the big, anti-terrier guns in the form of first names, she thinks. "All you need to know, Renee is that that the effort bar has been raised significantly since you last saw my sleepwear drawer."

For once Renee takes the hint. There is silence.

Beautiful, terrier-free silence. Operation Shutdown complete.

Bella does not think it prudent to tell her mother the reason her sleepwear drawer has changed is because Rachel insisted on forcing Bella into a lingerie shop after her engagement to Jake. Bella tries not to think about this experience at all. Not only was her future sister-in-law looking at her critically in skimpy outfits, Bella had been convinced Rachel would tell Leah every detail.

A year and a half later Bella finally discovered through Sue that Leah had master-minded the whole torturous plan. Apparently Leah thought Jake deserved a reward for finally growing a pair and asking Bella to marry him.

Bella remembers how that realisation left her speechless and confused.

She also remembers Jake's reaction to Leah and Rachel's efforts.

And so, she concludes, Renee really, _really_ doesn't need to know about any of the events leading to the transformation of her pyjama collection. Bella can imagine the conversation between Renee and Sue if that might ensue. The thought triggers the beginnings of a headache.

XXXX

Bella drops Renee off at a hotel in town. No one really wants to mention that Renee is still persona non grata in Charlie's house. Renee doesn't mind what another person might have felt was banishment because this way she can listen to her whale music sleep-CDs as loud as she likes.

The so-called rehearsal dinner is pretty much a non-event. The pack has a bonfire at least once a month anyway so the only difference this time is Renee's presence.

Bella and Jake don't really feel the need to practice walking down First Beach. It's not like they've never done it before.

Part way through dinner around the fire, the conversation turns to Jake and Bella's wedding.

"Why'd you end up deciding to get married here, Bells? We all thought you'd run off and elope somewhere." Billy's quizzical look and question surprise Bella.

"I guess, it, uh, just feels right?" Bella's answer is more of a question.

She looks over at Charlie who is suddenly very busy with his hot dog bun. Huh, she thinks, there's a first time for everything.

It would appear her old man has finally managed to keep a secret from his best friend. The sneaky old bugger must have used his cop skills on poor Billy.

"Do you think it'll feel right when you fall over in the sand and one of us has to pull you up?" Embry has always teased Bella. She sighs.

"Yeah, if it's a windy day, your dress might even do a Marilyn Monroe!" Quil has always teased Bella unmercilessly. She smiles.

"Shut up, you two," Jake growls and punches Quil. He can't reach Embry who has ducked behind Emily and baby Mark.

"Seriously Bella. You can count on us to keep you upright. Because we're such upstanding friends and all." This is Quil trying to be nice. At least, that's Bella's charitable interpretation of it.

"But if you do fall over, we'll be there to take pictures as well. Don't forget that!" Quil is indeed a lovely friend, thinks Bella. His efforts earn him the rest of Jake's corn cob shoved in his left ear.

Leah laughs at the boys. Somewhere in past few years she's found an uneasy peace with them. "Don't worry Bella, we did ask the minister to dress as Elvis but he wouldn't agree."

How did she know? Damned Leah, she always knows everything.

Billy watches the younger generation with a beatific look on his face. But he's not satisfied by Bella's answer. And he's a curious fellow (Jake would probably say meddlesome old man) so he asks again, "What persuaded you to stay though? What trumped Vegas?"

"Me." Charlie answers his friend so his daughter doesn't have to. "I wanted to walk her down the aisle. Beach. Whatever. Only got one kid, might as well do it right."

Bella jumps up and hugs her father tightly. The pack withdraw into their own conversation, realising, for once, it is not their place to intrude on this unusually demonstrative Swan family moment.

Renee looks at her daughter and her ex-husband. It has never occurred to her until now how similar they are.

Jake smiles. He's happy as long as his girl is happy. He's happy that he gets Charlie as a father-in-law (two dads don't make up for not having a mother but he takes as much satisfaction in it as he can). He's happy he's getting married.

XXXX

Renee deals with the lace-free dress. The terrier does not resurface. She is trying hard for Bella's sake.

Bella manages not to fall over.

Charlie wipes away a tear. So does Billy. They both owe each other a six pack.

The entire pack wolf whistles when Jake and Bella kiss.

Jake just keeps smiling the whole time.

XXXX

Someone, Quil is the most likely suspect in Bella's mind, switches the first dance song with Warren Zevon's 'Werewolves of London'.

Embry shouts with amusement. Sam smacks him but still manages to crack a smile. Sue winks at Billy and pushes his chair onto the dance floor. Emily and Sam dance with Mark in the middle.

"Aaa-oooo," howls the pack in time but definitely not in tune with Zevon.

"Your dickhead friends…" Bella grumbles at Jake as they try to dance to the song.

"You love 'em," Jake replies smugly while laughing.

"No, Jacob. For some god-unknown reason I love you and therefore I tolerate them."

Jake laughs again.

Sam soon forces Quil to quit playing DJ and the music returns to somewhat more normal strains as Seth takes over.

Renee is bopping with Embry now, a look of concentration on her face as she gets him to teach her some new dance moves.

Bella watches this and is afraid; Renee has been too well-behaved for too long. Something's got to give soon. Bella is also afraid she can hear that damned mental terrier yapping again. Telling herself it's wedding stress, Bella ignores her mother. It's not hard, she's had years of practice.

There is a commotion at the gifts table. Leah waves frantically at Jake who dumps Bella unceremoniously into Quil's arms. Quil grins lasciviously. Bella just rolls her eyes. She's had years of practice at ignoring Quil too.

"Leah, shit, man, what the hell?" Jake demands as he arrives at a toppled pile of gifts. The cause of the mess seems to be the table cloth's rapid progress to the floor.

For once Leah looks apologetic. "Sorry Jake, she got loose. I think Claire left the door open."

"Right. Damn Rachel and her ideas. Can you see if you can catch the little tramp?"

"Sure." Leah is uncommonly cooperative. Jake decides whatever Renee put in the punch must agree with Leah and he makes a mental note to ask Renee about it.

Before Jake can return to the dance floor and rescue Bella from Quil's clutches, a high-pitched yelp is audible over the music.

Leah, followed by Claire, is rushing around in circles, weaving in and out of dancing couples. Renee, thinking it's even better than Embry's impromptu dance lesson, joins them. She looks like she's doing the chicken dance and the hokey-pokey at the same time.

Bella groans loudly into Quil's shoulder.

Charlie is crimson too, mortified by his ex-wife. Sue tries to calm him. "It's ok you know, everyone makes mistakes. Harry once backed over my dad's lawn mower. Thought it was dad's dog so he drove over it twice more to make sure it was out of its misery. Dad said he'd disown me if I married such a fool, much less produced grandchildren that shared his genetics! Not that Harry was a mistake, just that even the best people make mistakes…" Sue lets her story trail off, suddenly unsure if it is even relevant.

Charlie's not mollified. He doesn't understand now how he ever married Renee. A lot of beer, perhaps.

Quil nearly drops Bella as he hears Claire yell out "Got her!" followed by another high-pitched squeak.

Bella peers around Quil to see what's happening, all the while thinking about Elvis. A peaceful, soothing, non-chaotic Elvis in a chapel free of anyone else but Jake.

"Damn it, she's peed on me!" Jake exclaims.

"Who, Claire?" Bella asks, shocked. Elvis, Elvis, Elvis she repeats mentally to keep herself calm.

Quil pushes across the dance floor now to see what's happened to Claire. Bella is dragged along in his wake.

Renee stops her chorus girl impressions and cries out, "Oh what's that? So cute! Where'd she come from? Why'd you – " Yap. Yap. Yap.

Except Bella's pretty sure she hears real yapping mixing with Jake's laugh.

The auditory hallucinations must definitely be post-wedding stress, kind of like pre-wedding jitters, she thinks.

"Jake?" Bella enquires. Her husband turns around.

"Wedding present for you, Bells," he says, still laughing and holding out a squirming black puppy.

"Puppy?" Bella asks. Or states. No one is quite sure.

"Yap," shrills out the puppy.

Leah snickers and holds something else up. "Didn't exactly go to plan, Bella. Sorry. Puppy got out, attacked the gift table and chewed this. I will get you another one later though." Leah finishes by waving the item in the air. Bella snatches at it.

Trust Leah to buy her a red satin and lace corset as a wedding present.

Bella turns as red as the corset and, under her breath, curses both Rachel and Leah and their plotting, lingerie-purchasing habits. Twisting the corset, she tries to hide it in her hands. As she does, she sees the label reads 'Ruby's Boutique'. Impulsively she chucks it to Renee and reaches out to the puppy in Jake's huge hands.

"You're pretty cool, and you're going to be called Ruby," Bella says and cuddles the puppy to her chest. "You chew the right things."

Jake beams.

Sam's at the stereo now. _How much is that doggy in the window?_ is blaring out across the dance floor.

Jake laughs. Again. Then he pulls Bella and Ruby into his arms and all three sway gently in time to the song.

Charlie is spinning Billy's wheelchair around in the middle of the dance floor. Sue has an arm around Renee and is handing her some water.

The pack starts a conga line into which Emily shoves Sam. Leah joins the tail end and gives Claire, in front of her, a wink.

"Why a puppy, Jake?" Bella asks, stroking Ruby's tiny, tan-tipped ears.

"Rachel thought you deserved something for being a good sport about Leah and the lingerie last time…" There's a pause. Then Jake tacks on the end of his answer, "And for putting up with me."

Now it's Bella's turn to laugh as she realise she hasn't just gained a husband but a whole family. Definitely better than Elvis, she decides.

* * *

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